Neither? Both?

Lately I've been contemplating the D/s scene. Not because I am part of it or necessarily want to be part of it, but mainly because I find it interesting to read the perspectives of those who Are. Also because I often like to imagine what role I would take if I where in certain situations, and I can't seem to figure out which I would be. Then I wondered if I just don't fit anywhere. I say this because I thought, at first glance, that I could place myself as a D, I quite often enjoy the role when paid to, but then, after reading several blogs, I began to wonder.
Maybe I don't understand properly.

On the Dom side, why would someone want to live with and dominate another who can never decide or act for themselves? How much energy I think it would involve to think for Two people when it's difficult enough to decide how to act for oneself? Kind of like taking care of children in my opinion. Maybe most couples do not live like this and I am mistaken? However, when playing a dominatrix, I do enjoy bending a dominant-type person to my will. How satisfying to see someone strong and powerful grovel in my presence! Making a strong-willed person beg for me to hit them is one of the most satisfying experiences I can think of. One minute they are barking orders, trying to take control, acting like a big shot and the next they are begging me for more and declaring me their Mistress. Wow!

On the sub side, why would a person want to willingly submit to another person in a prearranged situation and on a constant basis? Why be a slave, a doormat, a mindless doer of someone else's bidding, often told you can not go or do what you want? I find people who stand up for themselves and say what they mean, when they mean it and how they want it to be truly appealing. Confidence screams sexy to me. It can also melt me into exactly what I was just describing, a bossy bitch who is getting her hair pulled and spanked and put in her place with a cock/dildo ramming her and begging for more.

So where do I fit? Which am I? I guess neither because I can't seem to find one other blog about the D/s lifestyle that reflects my views on the matter.
What I find interesting is that this is me on a regular basis. I am mouthy, impatient, demanding and generally bossy. I get away with it constantly, I walk all over people; not everyone, but most. I generally get what I want or I'm Godzilla, leaving a path of fear and devastation wherever I go...well, maybe not that bad,
but I like to snicker at the image.

I'm not mean, I am actually very caring and helpful when I decide it's fitting, I don't hurt people,
on purpose,
when I don't think they deserve it.
And I don't imagine myself a bad ass, though I like to go head to head with those who Do.

Here's what perplexes me, the instant I get around someone I feel has more authority, power and wisdom than myself, someone who Does stand up for themselves, someone I can tell I would never be able to break, I cave like a house of cards and I'm instantly attentive to anything they say or want from me.
I practically worship them.

Does that make me a sub?

On the other hand, the second I sense they are slipping in any way, I can turn 180 on them and take control; possibly more viciously than if they never had power to begin with.

I like to think that makes me more Dom than sub, I am certain I could break many of the Doms I have read on here, and I have yet to respect more than one percent of men Ive had try to pick me up
but
I am beginning to wonder if I'm just a difficult sub that hasn't met a person that can fully contain her yet?


Does this change anything?
I don't think so,
but maybe.
I actually contemplate this fearfully
and share it hesitantly
because I don't like this avenue of thinking
and
I refuse to admit it in any way.

At least until it's beaten out of me.

Sex Cycle

I have had a working theory the last year or so. It seems that every three months, I restart my cycle. No, not the female cycle, a sex cycle.
For a time, I'm as horny as a teenage boy, I desire women and I dream about all the ways I can get one into bed with me. I lust after firm breasts and juicy butts. I literally drool over tight bodies at the gym and make lude comments when I think I can get away with it. This is the time when I am the most bisexual. I want a girlfriend, I want to go down on a deliciously juicy dripping wet pussy and have her thrust her hips into my face. I want to trace her curves with my lips and feel her soft skin on my own.

It lasts about three weeks. Next comes a strong craving for man; domination as the main attraction with a side of begging. Tie him to the bed and ride him like an animal, then force him to beg for pussy and enjoy the "thank you mistress" when he receives it. Bite him hard so that he remembers I'm the boss later... just in case he forgot his place by morning. This is the period where I can't get enough dick in me; I can orgasm time and again and still want more. I want to get pounded like tomorrow doesn't matter. Line up the men, take a number, pound me until I yell "Next!".
A threesome, foursome or more would be welcomed as long as they were all men and they all had a good libido. Hand me a whip, and give them each a collar and maybe even a mask ("I don't want to see your face, just your dick"). There's no telling how long this phase will last. Besides, I enjoy this one.

....Until I'm sick of being around weak, whiny men and I need a real companion again.
Next comes the couples phase, the easiest of them all. During this period, I am happy in my "normal" roll as loving wife and I don't need anything extra to keep me satisfied. I enjoy cuddling, gentle sex, mutual respect and the sharing of fantasies that involve the two of us with others. This is often when we will talk about getting a second wife, enjoying various threesomes where where we share control, or take turns playing out fun fantasies.

This doesn't last more than three weeks, as the last phase pushes it all aside. I go into a depressing time where I don't really enjoy sex at all. Everything grows boring to me and I loose all desire for contact.I get frustrated and angry easily. I yell a lot and I seem to never be satisfied with anything. I can have sex, but it often doesn't do enough to kick me out of the cycle. I think that a little downtime is necessary for everyone to be able to reset, but this cycle is so miserable that it feels like it lasts forever, even if it's just a few weeks. I hate this time.
Then something happens to reset it and we go again.

I have known there was a cycle for awhile now, but I hadn't really pinned down all of the phases. I notice that I start looking at certain porn or certain websites every three months though. I suddenly become interested in something I thought I no longer cared about. Looking at this very blog, you might notice that my last post was May 30. This was not intentional in the least. Two days ago, I just HAD to write again.
During the last cycle I realized that it repeated itself almost every three months.
Then yesterday I think I discovered what gets me out of the funk and going again.

Total submission...I have to be dominated.

It took me back a bit because that is not my style or personality at all. But it makes total sense. That last phase is rough, and not just on me. It's very rough on my mate.
He finally gets sick of my moodiness, withholding of sex, utter lack of desire and attitude of indifference.
So he takes me.
Sometimes I put up a HUGE fight. In the past I have been known to scream, hit, kick and even stab him to keep him away. I don't think either of us ever realized we played this game or it may not have been so dangerous and passionate before.
But finally, he pins me down, pulls my hair, tells me to shut up and do what he says. He makes me beg to come, finishes hard, then fucks me again, throws me on the bed and cums on my face.

It lights my fire. Steams me up .... it turns me back on and resets me. I LOVE it.

Why does it work?

Maybe I admire his male dominance. Yes, I do think it's hot to be put in my place (it doesn't happen often because most people are scared of me). Also I think that taking control renews my admiration for him.
But what really begins the cycle again is not just that

I want to be him.

My discovery: I want to dominate myself.

Someone needs to show that bitch who's boss and, it can't be me, because I am her.
If it can't be me, it has to be an extension of me.... him.
I pretend to have a dick, I imagine I am him and Im showing the sexy vixen in my bed who's really in charge. She won't stop complaining, she nags all the time, she is bossy, moody, pouty, demanding, and mouthy. I need to take care of that and set her straight. When it gets out of control, there's only one way to deal with a girl like that
-knock her off her throne.
Tie her in a kneeling position and slap her face. Pull her hair and stick a dick in her mouth. Make her beg for cum and then enjoy having her lick it off my balls. She loves it and we both know it.


I realize that makes me somewhat twisted, but I don't really care. Because it works. It's also pretty hot.

Now Shut up and Hit Me!