Switch!

I recently discovered an amazing blog about being a switch that could very well have been written by me! I found myself nodding at almost every word written. So much so that, if I were to copy and paste that in my own blog, I would likely only change a handful of words.
http://www.xeromag.com/fvbdswitch.html

My favorite quote: 
"I am a sadist; that is, I take pleasure from inflicting consensual pain on my partners, provided they take pleasure from it as well. I am also a masochist; that is, I take pleasure from having consensual pain administered to me by a partner. Again, there is no contradiction here, any more than there is a contradiction between, say, taking pleasure from giving a massage and taking pleasure from receiving a massage."

I guess I shouldn't be too surprised... I am bisexual and also a massage therapist too. I like giving AND receiving in all aspects of my life. How then could I expect to find myself clearly on one side or the other?

Something I would add to the blog is that I believe my ability to be Dom or sub directly relates to how my partner is acting at the moment. It does not matter what they like to call themselves or how they prefer to be treated, in fact, this is likely the key to why I have a difficult time getting along with others...

I treat people the way I sense they deserve to be treated. It's not a concious decision and it often makes poeple feel disrespected or like I'm being unsympathetic or harsh. I say this, if you want to be treated like a child, then throw a pity party and invite me.

Here's an example of this very thing:
I know a man who prefers to be a Dom. I have known him a pretty long time, more than 10 years. At times, especially early on when he didn't identify as anything, he would try to show his "power" by being cocky, demeaning, and a general prick. There were times when we would majorly butt heads because I would have loved to strap him down and whip the smile right off of his jerk face.
I thought he was generally a good guy, he just acted like he had something to prove all the time. As time has gone on, he has grown into a man who knows himself better and is really trying to work on himself rather than trying to put everyone else under him. It really shows and I like him so much better when he is being that guy. There are still times when he slips a little and I would like to serve him my humble pie, but, when he is really working to control himself and be confident, strong, self assured, and calm, I can't help but to button my lip and keep my head low....otherwise I might find myself saying "yes sir" and then he would know he's on the path to being able to control me.
I only respect those who obviously respect themselves.

Neither? Both?

Lately I've been contemplating the D/s scene. Not because I am part of it or necessarily want to be part of it, but mainly because I find it interesting to read the perspectives of those who Are. Also because I often like to imagine what role I would take if I where in certain situations, and I can't seem to figure out which I would be. Then I wondered if I just don't fit anywhere. I say this because I thought, at first glance, that I could place myself as a D, I quite often enjoy the role when paid to, but then, after reading several blogs, I began to wonder.
Maybe I don't understand properly.

On the Dom side, why would someone want to live with and dominate another who can never decide or act for themselves? How much energy I think it would involve to think for Two people when it's difficult enough to decide how to act for oneself? Kind of like taking care of children in my opinion. Maybe most couples do not live like this and I am mistaken? However, when playing a dominatrix, I do enjoy bending a dominant-type person to my will. How satisfying to see someone strong and powerful grovel in my presence! Making a strong-willed person beg for me to hit them is one of the most satisfying experiences I can think of. One minute they are barking orders, trying to take control, acting like a big shot and the next they are begging me for more and declaring me their Mistress. Wow!

On the sub side, why would a person want to willingly submit to another person in a prearranged situation and on a constant basis? Why be a slave, a doormat, a mindless doer of someone else's bidding, often told you can not go or do what you want? I find people who stand up for themselves and say what they mean, when they mean it and how they want it to be truly appealing. Confidence screams sexy to me. It can also melt me into exactly what I was just describing, a bossy bitch who is getting her hair pulled and spanked and put in her place with a cock/dildo ramming her and begging for more.

So where do I fit? Which am I? I guess neither because I can't seem to find one other blog about the D/s lifestyle that reflects my views on the matter.
What I find interesting is that this is me on a regular basis. I am mouthy, impatient, demanding and generally bossy. I get away with it constantly, I walk all over people; not everyone, but most. I generally get what I want or I'm Godzilla, leaving a path of fear and devastation wherever I go...well, maybe not that bad,
but I like to snicker at the image.

I'm not mean, I am actually very caring and helpful when I decide it's fitting, I don't hurt people,
on purpose,
when I don't think they deserve it.
And I don't imagine myself a bad ass, though I like to go head to head with those who Do.

Here's what perplexes me, the instant I get around someone I feel has more authority, power and wisdom than myself, someone who Does stand up for themselves, someone I can tell I would never be able to break, I cave like a house of cards and I'm instantly attentive to anything they say or want from me.
I practically worship them.

Does that make me a sub?

On the other hand, the second I sense they are slipping in any way, I can turn 180 on them and take control; possibly more viciously than if they never had power to begin with.

I like to think that makes me more Dom than sub, I am certain I could break many of the Doms I have read on here, and I have yet to respect more than one percent of men Ive had try to pick me up
but
I am beginning to wonder if I'm just a difficult sub that hasn't met a person that can fully contain her yet?


Does this change anything?
I don't think so,
but maybe.
I actually contemplate this fearfully
and share it hesitantly
because I don't like this avenue of thinking
and
I refuse to admit it in any way.

At least until it's beaten out of me.